As the smoke slowly clears from the explosive Mitchell Report and baseball detoxes its game during a turbulent offseason, it will soon be time for preparation for the 2008 fantasy baseball season. After all, everything begins anew each year in baseball. New players will join new teams. New rookies and sleepers will rise into the consciousness of fantasy owners. New trash will be talked and new crow will be eaten. New leagues will be joined and new draft sheets will be reviewed. New fantasy titles will be won and defended. In the spirit of novelty and rebirth, I propose some new words and phrases to be introduced into the fantasy baseball lexicon in 2008.
Subcultural Literacy: The uncanny ability for grown men to initiate intelligent insightful conversations with complete strangers in random places (in a bar, gym, toilet stall, in line at the bank, … or basically anywhere in front of television) about fantasy baseball
WHIP-ping boy: A perpetual fantasy league bottom-dweller
Stathead: The token “fantasy expert” concession the major networks now make on their pre-game and highlight telecasts. He’s usually WHIP-smart, but sitting in the corner, nearly off-studio
Simultracking: Watching a televised game and “tracking” the same game online
Pitch-22: When you opposing starting pitchers in the same game are both on your team
Fantasy flake: An inconsistent, erratic team owner
Scarcasm: Witty, childish banter on league message boards that often devolves into an unprovoked war of words. Not to be confused with smartassery, which is done in good taste and does not involve ad hominem personal attacks.
The X(BH) Factor: The entertainment value that fantasy implications add to an otherwise uninteresting game (televised or as a spectator)
The Great Debates: Obsessive, vehement discussions (usually labeled formally and dorkily as “winter meetings” or “constitutional conventions”) about league rules and by laws
Rotocrat: A dictatorial, heavy-handed league commissioner
Rotisserie Chicken: A player that is afraid to make trades, even ones that would appear to be in his favor
Analyst: The player in your league that makes it a habit to pick up each player that merits a mention by Peter Gammons and/or Tim Kurkjian on ESPN’s Baseball Tonight
Transactionist: The excessive, habitual (and mostly ineffective) adding and dropping of fantasy players
Just darn good ownership: Thinking about potential trades, up-and-coming rookies and must have free agent pickups during socially inappropriate times (church, office meetings, funerals, conversations with your wife, sex)
Glove-oil salesman: The one owner in your league that continually makes ridiculous, lopsided trade offers, … and then seriously defends them
Squeezing lemons: The practice of picking up and dropping pitchers from free agency between their starts in fantasy baseball so as to have the maximum pitchers start for one's team in a given week (Thank you, UrbanDictionary.Com)
Telestat-ting: Using your cell phone/PDA/I-Phone to track fantasy scores
Homer-roto-cism: Making unobjective, emotional acquisitions of your favorite hometown players (usually resulting in an avalanche of ridicule and hazing by your league mates). Not that there’s anything wrong with it … (see also homer-rationality)
(Jack) Cust’s Last Stand: The inopportune claim of a free agent at the end of his “hot streak”
Rotokill: Drafting an injured or (in some cases, retired) player due to inadequate fantasy research
Cobra Kai: The ultimate fantasy team name. I guess I am just partial to this dojo. Sweep the leg. Do you have a problem with that Mr. Lawrence? No, sensei
The Mitchell Report: The worst fantasy team name going into 2008. C’mon, some clever guy in every single league is going to try to come up with a performance-enhanced name next season. You can do better.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Steroids Satire
Enough of the Mitchell Report already. OK, so a ton of guys took steroids and HGH and had needles stuck in their butts by other grown men. I’m ready to move on. Give it a break for a little bit. It’s been a tough enough sports year already. Cheating here, cheating there, cheating everywhere.
Marion Jones. Former Olympian, and cheater. Floyd Landis. Son of Mennonites, … and probably a cheater. Tim Donaghy. Part of a NBA gambling ring. And a cheater. NASCAR teams using jet fuel. Cheating again. Actually pretty cool, except for the whole flammability thing.
It’s hard to pick up a sports page anymore without reading about someone trying to get one over on the system. But, alas, 2007 will be over soon, and we have a lot to look forward to in 2008.
Let’s imagine for a second what type of cheating headlines will grace sports pages in 2008.
(These are all fictional, of course. Please don’t sue me. I can’t afford it)
Billiards: “The Billiards Congress of America, the governing body for all cue sports, is investigating allegation that several players have been using “corked” cue sticks and have been doctoring cue tips to provide extra “masse” on shots …”
Chess: “In an ongoing effort to win the battle of man vs. machine, developers are suspected of planting grand master Garry Kasparov inside IBM’s Deep Blue supercomputer …”
Figure Skating: “After having exhausted every possible way to cheat, figure skaters have issued a collective official statement, ‘We have decided to finally give up. Knee-capping and judge-bribing just didn’t work,’ said former Olympian…”
Spelling Bee: “In a shocking turn of events, the 2008 Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee champ will have to yield his title after FBI wire taps revealed that the contestant used his I-Phone to look up word origins on Dictionary.Com. Investigators are also exploring accusations that several judges have been making up words that don’t exist …”
Texas Hold ‘Em: “Several World Series of Poker participants will have to vacate their championship title and WSOP bracelets as a Las Vegas reporter unearthed widespread use of X-ray glasses during competition …”
Sport Fishing: “The 11-event Bassmaster Elite Series will be canceled due to widespread fish doping allegations against several top-ranked anglers, many of whom are suspected of coating their lures with Prozac to make the fish docile …”
Presidential Debates: Pundits have accused several prominent candidates of having questioners “planted” in the audience during the debates, armed with ‘softball’ questions that are easy to answer …”
Are we sure cheating isn’t the true American pastime?
Marion Jones. Former Olympian, and cheater. Floyd Landis. Son of Mennonites, … and probably a cheater. Tim Donaghy. Part of a NBA gambling ring. And a cheater. NASCAR teams using jet fuel. Cheating again. Actually pretty cool, except for the whole flammability thing.
It’s hard to pick up a sports page anymore without reading about someone trying to get one over on the system. But, alas, 2007 will be over soon, and we have a lot to look forward to in 2008.
Let’s imagine for a second what type of cheating headlines will grace sports pages in 2008.
(These are all fictional, of course. Please don’t sue me. I can’t afford it)
Billiards: “The Billiards Congress of America, the governing body for all cue sports, is investigating allegation that several players have been using “corked” cue sticks and have been doctoring cue tips to provide extra “masse” on shots …”
Chess: “In an ongoing effort to win the battle of man vs. machine, developers are suspected of planting grand master Garry Kasparov inside IBM’s Deep Blue supercomputer …”
Figure Skating: “After having exhausted every possible way to cheat, figure skaters have issued a collective official statement, ‘We have decided to finally give up. Knee-capping and judge-bribing just didn’t work,’ said former Olympian…”
Spelling Bee: “In a shocking turn of events, the 2008 Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee champ will have to yield his title after FBI wire taps revealed that the contestant used his I-Phone to look up word origins on Dictionary.Com. Investigators are also exploring accusations that several judges have been making up words that don’t exist …”
Texas Hold ‘Em: “Several World Series of Poker participants will have to vacate their championship title and WSOP bracelets as a Las Vegas reporter unearthed widespread use of X-ray glasses during competition …”
Sport Fishing: “The 11-event Bassmaster Elite Series will be canceled due to widespread fish doping allegations against several top-ranked anglers, many of whom are suspected of coating their lures with Prozac to make the fish docile …”
Presidential Debates: Pundits have accused several prominent candidates of having questioners “planted” in the audience during the debates, armed with ‘softball’ questions that are easy to answer …”
Are we sure cheating isn’t the true American pastime?
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